The Greener Side

I might be the only person who sees it, but...

I am especially beautiful today.

The story goes as follows:

Jesus looks for girl.
Girl finds Jesus, and in such becomes found.
Jesus loves girl.
Girl loves Jesus back.

Everything in-between gets fuzzy pretty fast.

And I mean that both metaphorically and literally.

Put bluntly - last night my friend had to wash my pants because a drunken rap-sing song-ey version of myself threw up on them a little bit. This morning, the contents of my jacket pocket was a couple of crumpled singles, a guitar pick, some change, and half a pack of American Spirits. I've got a voice that hurts to speak or swallow, and admittedly feel all mucus-y and gross.

I quit smoking a month ago. I think.

The good news is that Jesus doesn't tell me to get fixed before he looks for me. And then when I find him; answer to that little voice inside that says "MORE", He doesn't expect me to get fixed before He takes me on a date to the movies.

And as of right now, I know there IS more.

What I know-

And I've learned to know that I know, (really know) just a few things.

What I know is that I can rejoice.

I can rejoice in the love of a savior who said "I love you, anyway."
I can rejoice in the death and resurrection of a God who has defeated everything of any remote evil. I can rejoice in the simple gospel message. I can rejoice in all the little things between the big, shitty things.

I rejoice.

I will say this, though, its a struggle figuring out what to do on a daily basis. Where to go - how to get there. If I had one prayer today, it would be this.

God.

Show me what love looks like in the real world. This world. With the hang-ups and failures, and injustices, and brokenness that we all have and are. I ask that I would be consumed first with love that knows no condition. And next, joy. And Peace, and patience, and self control. So that in and because of Your grace, I can be those things to others. I keep becoming more centered on myself. Bad habits included. But I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, because Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, this body, imperfect, hung over, and adorned with scars and tattoos, I live by faith in the Son of God. Who loved me. Who died for me. Teach me to press on with my head held high - to walk by faith and not by sight. To keep my eyes on Zion.


See, I am especially beautiful today. I haven't a drop of makeup on my face, the same exact outfit that I wore yesterday and threw up on last night, messy hair, unbrushed teeth and the same extra however many pounds I could stand to lose pushing my shirt too tight. BUT. I smile from the inside out today, because I am found.

I have a light that starts in my chest, bubbles up my throat, spreads to my face and escapes through my eyes because I am not CONCERNED today. I'm not concerned about how wrong the church has been. About how wrong I've been. About how I have been wronged by this that and the other person. I am not CONCERNED today about whether or not the Christians think I'm too potty mouthed and abstract, and I am not concerned that the Atheists think that I'm a fool (even the attractive ones). I am not concerned today, because I woke up basking in the same beautiful clear sky sun that I've learned to call Mercy. Grace. Forgiveness. Hope.

I am especially beautiful today, because this beauty is not. my. own.

It feels great to FINALLY be on the greener side. The grass smells really good here.

<3