New Beginnings

I'm a pretty dedicated journal-er these days. I have been for years, but its become more frequent and meaningful to me since I kicked off my summer spiritual journey/road trip extravaganza this past June.
Its hard to believe that was literally half a year ago now, but at the same time, some how, it also feels like its been ages; decades; internal centuries ago.
The last book, bound in light, lined, off white pages was filled in less than a month with metaphores, failures, ideas, victories and mundane, 'day to day' happenstances pressed in by the same kind of fine point sharpies that I used to originally jot this entry down with. It was a step towards "author-dom" compared to my other writings, as each entry was prefaced by a chapter number and "title" . I began the book by a chapter (notably, on the first day of the month and the first of its kind) called "/leap of faith/."

Its been a topsy-turvey journey into the 'river of life' I know as God's love. It would be naive to think that this new hope would not be met with a set of obstacles, but it would be a travesty is I did not wish to see past them.
So I'm pressing on - still knee deep in confusion, still too weak to trust much.

I've recently re-given myself to God.

After a year of heavy partying, random or real, but faulty, regardless, relationships and month after month of feeling a thick and often unaltered isolation, I have decided that feeling "free" to do as I please without the so-called-guilt or pressure to do otherwise by God, really isn't freedom at all.
That freedom is but a mirage that appeals us to come closer; to dig deeper; to fall forward head over heals for, and then vanishes at the assault of reality which so solemnly declares that it will never (ever) be enough.

John chapter 4 encompasses a story about an unfaithful, socially unaccepted woman who is at Jacob's well in Samaria, and her encounter with Jesus. When they had been acquainted, Jesus said to the woman
"Every one who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life."

Now, I do not believe that drawing water from a well to drink is in any way, shape or form "sin". It would be foolish of me to conclude that, and if I did, a pious, more rule abiding version of myself, would surely die a miserable death of dehydration at some point this or next week. We need water to live. It is a basic necessity. But the symbolism in the passage speaks of a life that is not of the body, not of the flesh, but of the soul; the spirit.

"And where the spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom".

I want to know what freedom really is, and i have an inkling from my past failed attempt to find it, that it resembles sweetly, and meekly, an attitude of surrender to He who gives us life.

I don't want to run from one broken relationship to the next; drink each night into another lonely day, gather wealth and power and possessions only to desire more with a thirst that cannot be quenched. No, I want to live each day full of True Life, alive in the spirit, which, resurrected through Christ is not swayed or taken or changed by circumstance.

"I have been crucified with Christ, and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself for me. I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for NOTHING!" (gal 2.20-21)

So in my surrender to Christ, as I choose to live my life by faith, my favor with Him is not claimed by my righteousness, but by His grace, which I am humbly responding to.

This blog is my attempt at sharing my heart, my searching and findings, my journey into the next year 2010, to all the fine folks scanning the inter-web. My goal is to do at least a weekly update.

My desire is to know Jesus.

Christians, atheists, Buddhists, scientists, skeptics, agnostics, teachers, scholars, and historians can all agree that Jesus lived. He existed. He was real.

I believe He was the Son of God.

I dislike a great deal of Christian culture, regret to be an affiliate of an organized religion that has caused the world such pain, and am reluctant to put myself in their little club. But with the life I have lived, the thoughts I have processed, the experiences that have molded my understanding of this existence so far, I simply cannot deny God, and will not deny Christ. Not any more, at least.

So journey with me if you will...

Ignore me if you won't.

But I'll be here.

<3naomi