"Emergency Stop"

About 2 years ago, give or take, I swore to myself that I would NEVER quit smoking AGAIN, because quitting was damn near one of the hardest things I ever did do. But, of course, that would mean that if I ever started up again, I would just have to keep smoking until my lungs swelled up till they bent my spine and at the ripe old age of 50 or something tragic, I'd cough up both of them, and I'd be pronounced both "dead" and "dumber than they though I was". Lo and behold, though, last year around this time, I thought it'd be a good idea if I made a little visit to my old bad habit. After all, it DID help me relax, and I was going through a tough time. So one cigarette a week, which, was seemingly harmless, turned into one a day, which was not notable still, turned into 26 or however many come prepackaged and the next thing I know I'm a fiend, and a fiend who forgot what I swore.

It was the first of many decisions I made at the beginning of last year, that lasted and progressed into my own digression of sorts. First it was smoking cigarettes, then smoking other things, again, then drinking, alone, usually, which ironically, turned me into a social bar butterfly that fluttered and flirted itself from place to place every day of the week, running into about a billion ecstatic acquaintances. I saw a lot of good shows, met a good deal of interesting people, and woke up looking at a face that couldn't really see who was in front of them, once or twice or three times. Towards the end of 2009, I realized that I was living this sort of lonely-sulk-self-loathing kind of lifestyle (during the day) that was largely due to my abandonment of self. Who I am, really, is much cooler, I hope. ;)

God took my heart little by little, in poems and song and art and in longing. By the end of the year I was had by Him. I just wanted Him. The One who would not leave or forsake me; the One who does not fade; the One who truly, wholly, unconditionally, and unimaginably loves me.

I made this decision to throw all the other stuff out. The "need" for it, at least. The "need" for a drink. The "need" for a cigarette. The "need" for a man to tell me I'm worth more than first glance. I looked to that God who had me, and he said that His grace was sufficient, and I said "so YOU are all that I need."

Its been a hell of a month.


There is this disproportionately big red button on each of the treadmills at the YMCA. In bold white letters it reads, simply:

"EMERGENCY STOP"

Normally, when I'm on the machine, it doesn't phase me, even for second, because I'm too busy air-drum-running with the strokes or kanye west.

But today, that big red button stared me straight in the face - even as I had only gone 1 of my daily 3 miles. It begged me to quit; beckoned my hands as the sweat from my head found my cheek and the awkward tug of a calf muscle stretched and pressed and pulled too tight, it said "this is all it'd take to be done."

And I could've at that moment abruptly changed my view, from the numbers of the distance, speed and time to the floor, where instead, I could stand - and breathe - and walk back to the locker room where I'd shower and move along with my night, but I pressed on as far as I would to the 2 mile mark.

The thing is, I've done practically nothing for the past 3 weeks but work. run. read. and go to church. Its been surprisingly wonderful, and surprisingly terrible.

I now officially call myself a "non smoker".
I've had a few drinks since the First (when the wheels of resolution hit the pavement), but not like I used to.
Also, I haven't been laid in like 2 months.

To your average "Christian" this might be unimpressive. But to me, its like pulling the biggest 180 in human history.

After I showered and got dressed after my semi-half-assed and yet some how still terribly difficult, work out, I thought about that button.

How its Saturday night and I'm all dolled up with no where to go. How the only people who have initiated any sort of phone conversation via text or otherwise in the past week have either seen me naked or want to get me drunk, as all my close friends have seemingly faded into the past. How I know 20 different venues in the surrounding cities that I could arrive at, be welcomed by and feeling giddy and in a matter of moments; where the music would be played and the beer would be drank and that I would be flirting and smoking and laughing that silly drunk southern accent laugh like do and I would feel okay...

But I know from a year or two or three, off and on at least, that I wouldn't be smiling in the morning. And that all too easily, if I press that big red "emergency stop" button, I'll need the quick fix tomorrow too, and it won't just be THIS night.

The book of Romans has been helping me along greatly, in this new life.

In Chapter 5 verses 3-5 Paul writes

"We can rejoice too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment, for we know how dearly God loves us, because He has given us the holy spirit to fill our hearts with Love."

I guess sometimes, when you are filling a void, getting rid of what you're filling it with doesn't necessarily make the void go away. So it is with prayer for consumption by a God who gives unmerited grace to us that I "just keep swimming" day by day by day.

"yet I still dare to hope
when I remember this:

The Faithful love of the Lord never ends.
His mercies never cease.
Great is His Faithfulness; His mercies begin afresh each morning.
I say to myself "the Lord is my inheritance,
therefore I hope in Him."

-Lamentations 3 :24